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Hello!` After a long and thoughtful night, I have gathered my thoughts in a more logical way that expresses how I feel about the situation at hand. (I have already prepared a calm mind for a possibility that you will only read and not respond, but I really do hope that you will respond in some way)

In exaggerated examples, I could compare the debacle to two friends agreeing to go sight-seeing together somewhere ("Friend, let's go to Disneyland one day!"), and then the one friend deciding while the other one was away to go by themselves. The one friend that went earlier tells the other one that did not go that it was "fun" and "exciting" and "worth your time", and encourages the other friend to go. Of course the friend is still going to want to go, but the only thing that that friend can think of during the whole lapse of the trip is that her friend went without her first.

With that being said, the overall meaning that I'm trying to convey is just that: Disneyland isn't the problem, Healer isn't the problem, but the perception is the problem. The drama, of course, is as good as it was meant to be; It was good when it came out last year in 2014, and it's still good in 2015. I'm sure that it will continue to be a good drama even as the years go on. It is undoubtedly the same with the Disneyland comparison : hundreds and thousands of people say that it was wonderful back then and its majestic quality is still flaunted even today - I'm sure its legacy will continue on. What I am trying to get to, is that the problem is not that you watched Healer, but that we had plans to watch it together, and then you went and did it for yourself. Tons of people have watched Healer, tons of people have went to Disneyland, and it doesn't effect Healer or Disneyland themselves (they are still great, no matter who or what goes to them, etc), but I suppose I was a bit caught off guard that you did it, and I felt kind of angry and betrayed about it.

The reason why such a small thing erupted such a big reaction from me is because both Lindsay and Micaela had agreements with me (several times throughout our six year long friendship) to do things WITH me, but then they bailed and only did it themselves. They didn't think to include me, and were not considerate of my feelings. They forgot their promises, they forgot their sincerity, and in that process, I lost them in the dust when I realized what kind of people they turned out to be. It happened far too often that I just forgot them; I'm not part of their inclusive little trio, I'm just a third wheeler in their immature and careless game. Whether or not they know this now is none of my concern, because in giving them up, I've allowed myself to not be bound by their restrictions. I thought that as friends, they would be better to me. I thought that friends didn't do that. But sometimes, you don't know people at all. Needless to say, the whole [Healer/H] issue is only as big as it is because it is bad deja vu for me. A part of me thought that this was unfair and unjust treatment and I was undeserving, but a part of me is afraid of others seeing me as sensitive and a weak, frail thing with no backbone whatsoever. This experience just reminded me of all the snide and hurtful things that Micaela and Lindsay did to me, so I apologize in part that this happened, because it's really not your fault. You did it without realizing it would effect me this way, and I know that your intent is not to hurt me or make my life a total living hell (unlike the other two, whom I do not know how to address at this point because I don't want to).

So it's not that I DON'T want to watch Healer, I really do want to. But right now, I don't think I have the strength to. I know that it's a wonderful drama because the ratings (and people) say so, but I can't do it right now because of the association of the experience to [H]. Just like how peoples' perceptions of said [insert things I like] sometimes ruins my happiness with things, association and correlation of bad experiences to things like this makes it hard for me to focus. It's not easy. I really wish that I could just fully concentrate on this wonderful, written, popular, korean drama, but I can not - I know my thoughts will wander from 'betrayal' to 'apology' to 'but past friends' to ' past friends did this also' to 'i wish i could forget but i can't yet' .   Right now, I can not do it. One day, I will. I wish that I could have a switch to flip on and off when I wanted to forget my anxiety, but I can not. Irrational thoughts follow me everywhere.

There are a few things I believe I should namely address before it gets too foggy :

1) I think that it's safe to say that you would have watched the last three episodes regardless or not if I knew that you had started watching Healer, right? Therefore, I don't think what I say or think has any legitimate effect anyway on the direct outcome of either case. Due to traumatic and linking events, I do not have any future plans at the moment to start it until everything blows over. So you can either wait (which I doubt will happen at the turn of events by this point) or you can just finish it. Earlier, you asked why it was so hard/damaging for me, and this is the following answer: it's disheartening, it reminds me of things, I can't focus because of the links, I have lost my enjoyment of it, and too many unanswered irrational thoughts.

2) I do have to honestly give you credit for telling me that you DID watch it, because I know that in the long run it will be for the better. I know firsthand that confrontation is scary, but I prefer dealing with situations like this NOW and having myself free later. I am thankful that you were truthful and admitted what you did because two questions come into play if you had not said anything:

a) If you had decided not to say anything at all, then when would you have planned to say something? Would it be while we were watching sometime later and you are "pretending" to have no idea to what was going on when you really do? This type of trickery is the worst type of dishonesty in my book. It's not protecting anyone, and it most definitely isn't protecting anyone's case...(this reminds me of a time when Micaela egged Lindsay on about lying about breaking something and....I'll get into that someday, it makes me so furious to this day)


Anyway, I commend you for being patient with me and being understanding enough yet respectful enough to try and solve and get a better understanding of my issues, especially these past six months. I can only hope that this continues on into a brighter legacy ! With that being said, please continue to share things, because it gives me more chances to approach things different and grow. But at the same time, please keep in consideration of my situation. So even though I don't say it much, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will do my best no matter what and confide in as many people as I can to help me. Thank you.