Afternoon Tea with Anxiety

I don't have the words to describe anxiety as it is a completely different experience for every human being. But I know very well what my anxiety feels like, and I hate it.

It is the equivalent of having a 2-ton frog sit upon your chest; every time you inhale, the frog gains a few pounds. It feels like you're being sucked and squeezed into a very minuscule tube that doesn't allow for any oxygen. There is pressure pushing the top of your head downwards, and the bottoms of the soles of your feet upwards. Your face feels burning hot, your heart beat rises, you feel like death. You feel like a bunch of hot air, and if anyone touches you, you're going to burst into tears. You're too scared to go and talk to anyone because during this attack, you're afraid that someone will say something totally irrelevant in a joking manner, per say, and you're afraid that you will take it personally or blow it out of proportion ("Hey, what's up with you today?") and then -pop!- you'll explode into a fit of tears destined to fill up one of the Great Lakes in Michigan. And then the shame. The guilt. The worries start again here. ("Oh no, what if they think I'm a crybaby? What if they don't understand? What if they ...etc). 

I've felt this type of burning sensation all too this much these past six months. I've imagined that happening to me many many times before (but it hasn't actually). Yet those thoughts are very real, very scary, and very daunting to me.

How do I explain anxiety? I don't. I can't explain why it happened so much all of a sudden, or why it's so prevalent now. I do believe that anxiety has always existed, of course. Human beings need anxiety to function - it alerts when you something is wrong, when something is off balance. It's the friend that always reminds you to do things or 'else' things will happen. But anxiety has been the busybody these past few months in my life, and it's gotten so much to the point where I haven't felt completely like myself.

Here is the exact process of my anxiety:
1) encounter the problem
2) think about it a little bit
3) over analyze
4) dread
5) pray for a new problem so I can forget the old one
6) find a new problem

REPEAT.


The core of the problem here is that it is an extremely vicious cycle, and it stops for no one and nothing. 80% of the time, the problem isn't even truly a problem, it is an observation with no real evidence to back to it up. (i.e. "He gave me a really weird look after and shrugged afterwards. Does that mean that he thinks that I'm too lavish? Does he think that I'm acting too good for him? Maybe he doesn't like me as much now. But there's no evidence to back that up! He's never said that before...but then why do I get such a bad feeling in my stomach...What if I worry about this for the rest of the day...") I over analyze small interactions so much that I can't focus. I vaguely remember my nutrition teacher saying to me in a very mellow voice after asking her a question on a paper once "I don't understand what you're saying" and stressing about that one line for two weeks straight. To this day, I really do believe that if I didn't have such major anxiety, I would have scored that 5 instead of a 4 on the AP literature exam last May.... the 5 that everyone in my graduating class was absolutely certain I would get. But I think I pushed really well in that needy time that I was still able to pass the exam during that period of hardship, so I am thankful.

An extremely bad habit that I developed after this happened was that I would often times get up and pace around (to get the thoughts straight in my head, because I couldn't ignore them), and I believe that I have spent minutes and hours at one time, walking around the dimensions of my laundry room, or the upstairs bathroom just pacing. Those places are so connected to thinking about anxiety and pacing now, that every time I'm in there (not to get my thoughts straight but to do other things), I am reminded of those very sad times and it brings back many low memories. Even when friends or company come over, I sometimes have to excuse myself to go stand in the bathroom and tell myself to not analyze things and to calm down. It's a second nature for me now, unfortunately, and I hate it. I hate myself for it.

I remember during my AP art studio class that there was a small stock room in the back where all of the art supplies were. The art teacher allowed us to go in there and get whatever we needed to finish our AP portfolios. I stayed in there longer than usual, and sometimes snuck in there sometimes during work time to calm down and pretend to be looking for art supplies when really, I was just trying to collect my thoughts and breathe. Sad, really. Kind of pathetic. But at the time, I think I really needed to do it.

The only time I can catch any sort of "break" is when I head off to bed.


When a situation gets too stressful, I oftentimes hope and wish that a new one will come into play so that I can focus on something else. Even if it's something totally irrelevant, I will take it and expand it so that the one that I was dealing with before is not as important anymore. And that only continues the cycle, I know. But it's as if my mind doesn't know what peace is. It probably feels like I have been so accustomed to stress and anxiety that it must be prevalent 24/7 for me to function. I don't remember the last time I didn't have anxiety and that is a horrible feeling to have. I wouldn't wish this type of anxiety on anyone, but I do wish that some of the people who just don't understand could walk a whole day in my shoes and have all the irrational nonsensical thoughts follow them for a whole day and see how they deal with it. I want them to experience it for themselves before trying to judge you on how you live your life...which brings me to this:

"Telling someone with anxiety to 'just stop worrying' or someone with depression to 'stop being sad' is the same as stabbing yourself and saying 'just stop bleeding'." Furthermore, I don't remember where I found that quote, but it was similar to it.

Another quote that describes anxiety quite well and the best description that I have ever read about anxiety was this:
"If you miss a step on the stairs and your stomach lurches - it feels like that, but lasts much, much longer."

The worst part is undeniably knowing that you're freaking out about nothing, and there's nothing to be freaked out about, but you lack the ability to shut the emotion down. All of my problems at this very minute, this very present will be nothing next week, next month, next year, ten years. etc. But it is very real at this very moment, and I am always so tired by it. Even now, I look back to three months and think, "I thought that? I was stressed out about that?" It was so faraway...but I can't blame myself for thinking about it like that then.

If you told me back in January that I was going to have these small, yet large obstacles blocking my way towards peace and happiness, I don't know how I would have handled it. I don't know what I would have done.

But six months later and here I am...I feel so hopeful about my progress and how far I have come. It's most definitely difficult...but I can't completely and flatout say that I resent my anxiety that much yet.

Do not get me wrong, I detest my anxiety. But I do feel like I have made many improvements. I don't pace as much as I used to, and I have started to try and shut down any irrational thoughts. What-ifs are a brutal killer. What-ifs are the questions that question almost everything in this world and make things confused and unbalanced. I don't have many panic or anxiety attacks as often, but when I do (once in a while), I feel like a take ten steps back when I just took that one step towards progress.

If I am thankful for any one thing that my anxiety has done for me these past six months...it would be the revaluation of friends. I didn't realize how horrible and how cruel a couple of them had been to me until I had met my anxiety. I thought too less in the past about them, so I didn't realize how heartless they were, but now that I have analyzed the situation well, I see them in a completely different light. I thank my anxiety for that, for letting me see that I need to let them go because of how awful and immature they were to me these past few years. Even though they have no idea I have let them go, I am hoping that distance will play a big part in it. As for the payoff...I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it evens it out.

If five months ago, you told me that I would still be fighting this battle with myself, I would probably have rather died than face it. To top it off, I've always been the type who has been a little impatient with progress, so it probably kills me a little bit inside that I'm not fully "better" yet.

But this time, I am ready. I know that it's not over yet, but I am getting better everyday. I know this because I am sitting here right now, about to burst into tears if someone pricks me, pouring my heart out to interwebs, yet feeling a lot better than I did six months ago at the end of January, totally in pieces over everything. I will just do my best to keep my head up over the currents.


This ends my Afternoon Tea with Anxiety.

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Hello!` After a long and thoughtful night, I have gathered my thoughts in a more logical way that expresses how I feel about the situation at hand. (I have already prepared a calm mind for a possibility that you will only read and not respond, but I really do hope that you will respond in some way)

In exaggerated examples, I could compare the debacle to two friends agreeing to go sight-seeing together somewhere ("Friend, let's go to Disneyland one day!"), and then the one friend deciding while the other one was away to go by themselves. The one friend that went earlier tells the other one that did not go that it was "fun" and "exciting" and "worth your time", and encourages the other friend to go. Of course the friend is still going to want to go, but the only thing that that friend can think of during the whole lapse of the trip is that her friend went without her first.

With that being said, the overall meaning that I'm trying to convey is just that: Disneyland isn't the problem, Healer isn't the problem, but the perception is the problem. The drama, of course, is as good as it was meant to be; It was good when it came out last year in 2014, and it's still good in 2015. I'm sure that it will continue to be a good drama even as the years go on. It is undoubtedly the same with the Disneyland comparison : hundreds and thousands of people say that it was wonderful back then and its majestic quality is still flaunted even today - I'm sure its legacy will continue on. What I am trying to get to, is that the problem is not that you watched Healer, but that we had plans to watch it together, and then you went and did it for yourself. Tons of people have watched Healer, tons of people have went to Disneyland, and it doesn't effect Healer or Disneyland themselves (they are still great, no matter who or what goes to them, etc), but I suppose I was a bit caught off guard that you did it, and I felt kind of angry and betrayed about it.

The reason why such a small thing erupted such a big reaction from me is because both Lindsay and Micaela had agreements with me (several times throughout our six year long friendship) to do things WITH me, but then they bailed and only did it themselves. They didn't think to include me, and were not considerate of my feelings. They forgot their promises, they forgot their sincerity, and in that process, I lost them in the dust when I realized what kind of people they turned out to be. It happened far too often that I just forgot them; I'm not part of their inclusive little trio, I'm just a third wheeler in their immature and careless game. Whether or not they know this now is none of my concern, because in giving them up, I've allowed myself to not be bound by their restrictions. I thought that as friends, they would be better to me. I thought that friends didn't do that. But sometimes, you don't know people at all. Needless to say, the whole [Healer/H] issue is only as big as it is because it is bad deja vu for me. A part of me thought that this was unfair and unjust treatment and I was undeserving, but a part of me is afraid of others seeing me as sensitive and a weak, frail thing with no backbone whatsoever. This experience just reminded me of all the snide and hurtful things that Micaela and Lindsay did to me, so I apologize in part that this happened, because it's really not your fault. You did it without realizing it would effect me this way, and I know that your intent is not to hurt me or make my life a total living hell (unlike the other two, whom I do not know how to address at this point because I don't want to).

So it's not that I DON'T want to watch Healer, I really do want to. But right now, I don't think I have the strength to. I know that it's a wonderful drama because the ratings (and people) say so, but I can't do it right now because of the association of the experience to [H]. Just like how peoples' perceptions of said [insert things I like] sometimes ruins my happiness with things, association and correlation of bad experiences to things like this makes it hard for me to focus. It's not easy. I really wish that I could just fully concentrate on this wonderful, written, popular, korean drama, but I can not - I know my thoughts will wander from 'betrayal' to 'apology' to 'but past friends' to ' past friends did this also' to 'i wish i could forget but i can't yet' .   Right now, I can not do it. One day, I will. I wish that I could have a switch to flip on and off when I wanted to forget my anxiety, but I can not. Irrational thoughts follow me everywhere.

There are a few things I believe I should namely address before it gets too foggy :

1) I think that it's safe to say that you would have watched the last three episodes regardless or not if I knew that you had started watching Healer, right? Therefore, I don't think what I say or think has any legitimate effect anyway on the direct outcome of either case. Due to traumatic and linking events, I do not have any future plans at the moment to start it until everything blows over. So you can either wait (which I doubt will happen at the turn of events by this point) or you can just finish it. Earlier, you asked why it was so hard/damaging for me, and this is the following answer: it's disheartening, it reminds me of things, I can't focus because of the links, I have lost my enjoyment of it, and too many unanswered irrational thoughts.

2) I do have to honestly give you credit for telling me that you DID watch it, because I know that in the long run it will be for the better. I know firsthand that confrontation is scary, but I prefer dealing with situations like this NOW and having myself free later. I am thankful that you were truthful and admitted what you did because two questions come into play if you had not said anything:

a) If you had decided not to say anything at all, then when would you have planned to say something? Would it be while we were watching sometime later and you are "pretending" to have no idea to what was going on when you really do? This type of trickery is the worst type of dishonesty in my book. It's not protecting anyone, and it most definitely isn't protecting anyone's case...(this reminds me of a time when Micaela egged Lindsay on about lying about breaking something and....I'll get into that someday, it makes me so furious to this day)


Anyway, I commend you for being patient with me and being understanding enough yet respectful enough to try and solve and get a better understanding of my issues, especially these past six months. I can only hope that this continues on into a brighter legacy ! With that being said, please continue to share things, because it gives me more chances to approach things different and grow. But at the same time, please keep in consideration of my situation. So even though I don't say it much, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will do my best no matter what and confide in as many people as I can to help me. Thank you.